dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
