I forgot how hot balto sounded
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
