I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
