Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
