one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
