Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
