Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
