i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and she was petting her beer can
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
