I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
