i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
