PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
