The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
