I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
