how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
