today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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