i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
