the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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