if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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