You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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