Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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