my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
