So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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