roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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