Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
