Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
