I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
