thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
