ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
