I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
