Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
