Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
