remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
