He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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