A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
