Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
