4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
