Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
