i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
