hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
