you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
