there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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