I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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