just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
