Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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