i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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