I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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