I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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