well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
