YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
