final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
