If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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